Lightning and thunder rip through a sky covered with a thick blanket of iron coloured clouds as I sit writing this to you.
The words I write can not express the misery that has snaked though my soul since I made that horrendous mistake that has left what life I have remaining, in ruins
I will start at the beginning of my story and it’s end will be my death.
I once believed in God and the sanctity of the holy church.
I took counsel from the priests of my village and did good deeds to make a place for myself in the after life.
I was christened in a church, married in a church and crucified with guilt for my efforts.
I despised the unbeliever, harried them, raped them and killed them all in the name of my God, who I believed to be the one and only true god for who these terrible deeds were done.
I took what little wealth the poor possessed, not because I needed it but to glorify my God in gold and precious gems. This wealth was used by the church to build monuments to the glory of my God.
I spied on and betrayed my friends and enemies, accusing them falsely of heresy and deeds of which they were innocent and I smiled as I watched them burn in the fires of righteousness.
Their families were turned out from their homes to fend for themselves and I never gave a second thought to the hardships they would face.
For this I was rewarded with the lands, position and wealth and all of it I believed was righteous.
I told myself I was helping them, saving them from any further evils of this wicked world. I thought God smiled upon me for the sacrifices that were asked of me.
I believed I would be rewarded for remaining in the vile world, helping others to be released from the curse of Adams sin.
Really all I did was steal from others in order to gain more power and position.
My enemies were many in the politics of a royal court, a place of deception, betrayal and intrigue.
But I was well learned in these attributes and soon rose to position of Lords Advisor to Lord Fredrick of Bannow, Knight and Protector of the Holy Church.
A man who took his duty to uphold the laws and edicts of the church very seriously.
It was not uncommon for heretics to be impaled, hung or burned at the stake for any perceived blasphemy.
There was a constant atmosphere of suspicion and apprehension in the disconcerting duchy of Bannow, a place where trust was a rare commodity.
My duties included keeping my Lord informed of the goings on of his retainers, enemies and family.
I had set up an extensive spy network that relayed information to me of their misdoings and any hint of heresy was severely dealt with.
I was content with the illusion of righteousness I had chosen and the power I held over others.
All of this changed when he came into my life.
At first I thought him an arrogant upstart looking for the favour of my lord Fredrick of Bannow. He was the son of the brother to my lord sent to his court for training in courtly ways I thought he would learn his place and gave him not another thought.
Over the next few months I saw him often in court, I began to notice things about him that I had not noticed before.
The colour of his eyes, the curl of his hair, the way he held himself or spoke and the way he smiled.
He was always dressed in the fine clothes, and his sophistication made him more and more attractive to me.
I found it confusing as certain feelings began to grow inside me.
I started to think of him at night when my duties were over and I could rest.
His face seemed to dance before my minds eye and I began think of little else.
I felt it was unnatural to have these thoughts about another man but I couldn’t stop.
Even when I made love to my wife I thought of him and wondered what his skin would feel like, his hair, his lips, his touch.
Whenever I saw him at court, I felt a delicious shudder inside of me and I would tingle all over with excitement. I tried to remain calm and uninterested on the outside but on the inside my very being was screaming to stand near him, not next to him but close enough that I could feel myself with his presence.
It was exciting and confusing and after months of denial I finally had to admit that I was in love with him.
We had spoken a few formal words to each other, greetings and enquiries as to each others health, things like that.
We had never spoken of or even acknowledged the feelings growing between us but we saw it in each others eyes.
He had begun to speak more often to me.
Sometimes he would whisper something into my ear and I would smell his scent as he brushed my shoulder or gently touched my hand.
For anyone looking on it would simply be two men discussing important matters of a secret nature, being careful not to let anyone close by to hear.
Something quite normal in a court of political intrigue.
But the energy between us was so intense, it took all my effort to not kiss him then and there and be damned anyone who saw.
At night in my bed chambers, my mind was in turmoil and my body was wracked with unfulfilled desires.
Surely the fires of hell could be no worse torment.
All this changed when one moonlit night I left my room and tried to find comfort from the torment by taking a walk through the palace gardens as I was known to do when searching for some peace of mind or to contemplate the problems of the day.
By the lily pond there was a bench seat on which I liked to sit and pray to my God.
I knew he would be there waiting for me.
I hoped he wouldn’t be just as much as I hoped he would.
So it was with a mixture of delight and anger when I saw him sitting on the bench seat, draped in moonlight and shining with attraction.
I stood in the shadow of a tree and watched him.
What was it about this man that consumed me?
I had always thought of myself as a normal man with normal desires, I had never contemplated lying with another man or feeling the lust I now felt for him.
I knew I should be punished, that I should punish this man for leading me into sinful temptation, for damning my soul to eternal torture in the pits of hell.
I knew I should just walk away and seek repentance. I had not yet committed any physical sin but the church had taught me that even to think of something sinful was the same as committing a crime against God.
Yet as I watched him bathed in the sweet scent of midnight flowers, all of these thoughts blew away on the wind and I felt that this could not be so wrong.
The feelings of love that filled me whenever I saw him were as beautiful as a sunset made by the hands of God and God had made him for me watch, to hold and to love.
Even if he hadn’t seen me yet I couldn’t walk away, my feet seemed to have a will of their own as they carried me over to sit beside him.
I could feel the warmth from his body as we sat beside each other.
Neither of us spoke as we watched the moonlight shimmer on the water of the lily pond.
I shivered in anticipation and trembled with excitement as he looked into my eyes.
I felt nauseous and elated at the same time.
When he raised his hand and gently touched my face, it was as though my whole body became alive at once to his touch and the sounds of the night were drowned out by the roaring in my ears as he kissed my lips ever so gently.
Never before had I been kissed like that, so sweet and tender and my own lips returned that midnight kiss as my body began to respond to his sensuous caress.
The roaring in my ears gave way to the desire of my hunger for him and our cares disappeared amongst the stars who were the only witness to our act of love.
The next morning I awoke in my bed next to my snoring wife and my first thought was of that first kiss.
I got up silently so as not to wake my wife and quickly dressed, my mind filled with thoughts of the previous night.
I knew I would see him that day in court and my stomach flipped over, leaving me with little appetite for breakfast.
As I left my rooms, I didn’t know I wasn’t the only one with a secret.
I saw him when I arrived at the court of my lord, he was as handsome as ever and I immediately felt weak at the knees.
My mind was awash with our love making the night before and my heart fluttered at an incredible speed as I felt the blood rush to my head.
He ignored me when I smiled at him and gave me only one formal greeting.
I knew I had to do the same even though my whole body yearned to touch his and feel the sweet caress of his lips upon mine once more.
At the time I could not imagine a worse torment, little was I to know what was to come.
I knew it was wrong, that it was a sin against God and all I believed in but I could not help myself, I could not deny what I felt for this man I knew so little of.
Over the next month we met in the palace gardens at night and made tender, passionate love. It was all so new to me and I found myself falling deeper and deeper in love.
My appetite for food, my duties, my religion and even the love I had once felt for my wife became smaller and smaller until they no longer seemed important as my stomach churned and twisted and my mind became clouded in the aroma of this man.
My wife was the first to notice the affect it all had on my health.
I lost weight, became very moody and was prone to violent outbursts towards my wife, who I came to feel a certain revulsion towards.
But this made it all the worse, I should be feeling revulsion towards this man who had consumed my thoughts, my very being, who was leading me into eternal damnation, yet I could not help myself.
I sought salvation and comfort from the teachings of the church but when I wanted to tell my secret, I found I could not reveal my sin.
I tried to throw myself into my work and my duties towards my lord but found my mind drifting to the thoughts of the happiness I felt when we were together.
On our last night together he talked about us leaving the kingdom and starting fresh some place far from the reach of the church.
As we talked about the church and its teachings, I started to think that maybe the church was wrong, that God would love us no matter what, that we were as God had made us and that could not be wrong.
At first It was very hard for me to think that we were not committing an eternal sin as it went against all I had been taught.
I gave reasons why it was a sin and why we were damned for eternity because of it but none of my arguments stood their ground when he spoke of the love between us that God had given.
Was it not God who had led us to each other he asked, would God not smile down upon the love he could feel between us, a love that he created.
Why would God, who loved all of his creations, force us to sin and then punish us.
Did this not sound more like the machinations of man, who was always trying to deceive and plot the downfall of his fellow man?
Over the month we were together I came to see the sense in his words and resolved to leave my wife and flee the kingdom with my lover.
I played over in my mind all the arguments, objections and reasonings I could think of, that would be raised by wife when I told her of my secret and my decision to leave.
It would mean that I would be giving up my position, my wealth and my reputation for the sake of love.
I had never been a brave man, always I had found the easier path to travel but now I found another side of me, a side I had never known before and one I would never want to lose.
I decided to tell my wife that night.
I waited for her to come to our bed chamber, all the while I felt like being sick and drank some wine to quell the tension and nerves that seemed to be strangling me.
I had agreed to meet my lover that night in the gardens and we would run away together like two love struck teenagers.
Our plans were to leave the kingdom and travel by boat to some place far away that he knew of where we would be free to pursue and express our love.
We would live as best we could on what money we had between us, a small but substantial amount that I had secreted from my wives estate over the past month.
As the time approached for my rendevous, my wife had not yet come to our bed chamber and I could not wait.
I would have to leave without saying goodbye or giving any explanation.
I regretted this as she had been a faithful companion all these years and she deserved better.
I walked towards the place gardens, only stopping to grab a small cotton bag of fresh clothes and a few possessions I had previously hidden.
It was a lovely summers night and although I felt sad at the pain I would cause and the scandal that would erupt from my actions, I also felt excited and knew that nothing had ever felt so right.
I believed that God was smiling down upon our liason.
When I approached the bench seat by the lily pond, I saw him sitting there in his typical casual manner, his blonde hair shining in the bright moonlight.
All my worries and cares disappeared upon seeing him and I quickly walked over, anxious to leave my old life behind me and start our new future together.
But when I went to kiss him he turned his head away.
I could not see the betrayal in his eyes.
Before I could ask what was wrong, soldiers appeared from the bushes behind us, their swords drawn and anger on their faces.
Behind them stood my wife her face cold and emotionless, surrounding her were my enemies at court who, although their faces were lost in shadow, seemed to be smiling maliciously like the cat that drank the milk.
At first I could not believe what was happening, this wasn’t what we had planned.
Someone must have seen us together and informed on us.
Fear grabbed me like a corpse from the grave when the realisation that it had all been planned from the beginning, settled upon me like a blanket of despair.
I felt numb as though I was walking in a dream, as though what was happening was happening to someone else, not me.
I could not remember the guards roughly shoving me along to the dungeons nor could I remember their ribald comments towards me.
I could feel nothing.
It was only after the sun had risen after a night of tears, that the real danger of my situation
was laid bare before me when the formal charges of rape and sodomy were read out to me.
When the chief prosecutor left my damp cell and was alone once more, I cried for the fool I was.
My wife did not visit me, only sending a refusal for my request to speak to her.
I was told that she hoped that I rot in hell.
As for the man I loved, I never saw him again.
It was now obvious to me that he had been working for my political enemies whose plan had been to ruin me forever before they eyes of my lord and of God.
During my trial which took place three months after my arrest, I was told that because of his testimony that I would be burnt at the stake.
He had told the court that I had seduced and raped him, then blackmailed him into keeping it a secret and was trying to force him to leave the country with me.
He said he had confided in my wife the terrible shame he felt and asked her to help him.
My wife had felt sorry for what she saw as an innocent, young, vulnerable man and told my lord of our plans to leave the country.
My lord was outraged and sent his guards to arrest us on that last fateful night.
I could not understand why this had happened, was it God’s terrible retribution upon me for the sin I had committed?
But if God was such an all loving God, why had he wanted me to fall in love and then punish me for it?
Over the next two months as I awaited my punishment, I had plenty of time to think of God and religion and all that I had been taught about Gods love for his creations.
As the boundries of my world fell apart, all I thought I had known blew away like dust on the wind and a new perspective took root within my awareness.
I came to see the world in a different light, throwing off the shackles of my past, pulling away the superstition of religious dogma from my very being and feeling a true sense of freedom at last.
This morning is my last upon this earth and the tears I have given my family and all who once looked up to me is reflected in the rain that falls from the tumbling skies.
How fitting, that on this day that I am to be burnt, God releases his tears for the crime he he wanted me to commit.
The guards came for me just past the time the sun would normally have risen but on this day it hid behind the dark, rain filled clouds as though it were ashamed to look upon me.
I was walked out to the palace courtyard where I was tied to a thick wooden stake about which had been piled dry sticks and faggots.
I noticed the wood was well seasoned and would burn very easily.
It seemed I was not to be spared any torment as would sometimes happen if green wood was used, suffocating the person with smoke before the flames burnt the skin from bone and sinew.
I looked up towards the sky and smiled, feeling a sense of freedom I could not describe.
I knew none would understand but I was happy to die without the stain of religion clouding the release of my soul from this body of some God’s creation.